{"id":482,"date":"2025-10-10T18:50:54","date_gmt":"2025-10-10T17:50:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/?p=482"},"modified":"2025-10-17T02:42:52","modified_gmt":"2025-10-17T01:42:52","slug":"when-we-fawn-in-the-bedroom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/2025\/10\/10\/when-we-fawn-in-the-bedroom\/","title":{"rendered":"When We Fawn In The Bedroom"},"content":{"rendered":"

[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ next_background_color=”#f9f9f4″ admin_label=”Header” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ background_color=”#4b172e” background_image=”https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/fawning-tribal-1.png” background_size=”custom” background_image_width=”80%” custom_margin=”-50px||||false|false” custom_padding=”12vw||12vw||true|false” bottom_divider_style=”curve” bottom_divider_height=”6vw” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.27.4″ background_enable_image=”off” background_size=”contain” animation_style=”zoom” animation_intensity_zoom=”10%” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font=”||||||||” header_font=”Montserrat|500||on|||||” header_text_color=”#f9f1bf” header_font_size=”18px” header_letter_spacing=”5px” header_line_height=”1.5em” header_2_font=”Cormorant||||||||” header_2_text_color=”#f9f1bf” header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_letter_spacing=”5px” header_2_line_height=”1.4em” background_color=”rgba(73,21,44,0.7)” text_orientation=”center” background_layout=”dark” custom_margin=”90px||||false|false” custom_padding=”10px||||false|false” header_font_size_tablet=”” header_font_size_phone=”12px” header_font_size_last_edited=”on|desktop” header_2_font_size_tablet=”50px” header_2_font_size_phone=”30px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|desktop” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

Fawning in the Bedroom<\/h2>\n

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When We Fawn in the Bedroom<\/h1>\n

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\u201cI didn\u2019t say no. But I didn\u2019t say yes either.\u201d
I just lay there, silent.
Letting him do what he wanted with my body.
While I disappeared off to another place, crying, silently, into the pillow.<\/p>\n

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I told myself not to let him see I was upset.
If I hid my distress, maybe I could keep the peace.
Maybe he’d still love me.
Maybe he would stay.<\/p>\n

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The truth of the story was,
I abandoned myself.<\/p>\n

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Over and over again.<\/p>\n

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I silenced my distress.
Silenced my voice.
Silenced my body.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019ve spent years exploring sex, power, and intimacy,
But this part of me \u2014 the part that fawns, folds, disappears \u2014 has been the hardest part to meet.<\/p>\n

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She doesn\u2019t scream.
She doesn\u2019t resist.
She just\u2026 goes still. And silent.<\/p>\n

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A pattern reminiscent of my girlhood.
And present in all kind of relational dynamis.
She\u2019s the part of me that learned early that
people don’t hear me or get me.
That love and attached meant silencing my needs.
That staying close to someone who held power meant abandoning myself<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

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The Blueprint Was Laid Early<\/p>\n

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He was the first man who claimed me.
I was still young.
He was twice my age.<\/p>\n

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He didn\u2019t force me. He didn\u2019t need to.
He offered attention \u2014 daily, obsessive, intoxicating.
He told me I was mature beyond my years.
That I was special.
That we were soulmates.<\/p>\n

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I didn\u2019t register the power imbalance.
Not then.
All I knew was that the masculine finally wanted to be with me \u2014 wholly, intensely \u2014
in a way my father never had.<\/p>\n

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\n
\n
My father had left when I was small.
And even when he was technically present, he was emotionally absent.
He played the role.
But he didn\u2019t see me.
Didn\u2019t hold me.
Didn\u2019t make me feel like I mattered.
<\/b><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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That early lack left a void I couldn\u2019t name \u2014
a deep, subtle longing that lived in my bones.<\/p>\n

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When this man walked into my life with promises of forever,
when he looked into my eyes like I was the centre of the universe,
I didn\u2019t see danger.
I saw deliverance.<\/p>\n

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\n
\n
\n
I didn\u2019t have the language for grooming back then.
I just thought I was finally being loved.<\/div>\n
<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Chosen.
Important.<\/p>\n

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And when he made it clear that sex was expected, daily,
I allowed him to take what he wanted from my body.
Not because I was free to choose it.
But because I was shackled by attachment \u2014
an attachment that felt more vital than honouring the needs of my own body.<\/p>\n

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That dynamic shaped everything.
It laid the blueprint for my sex life, my silence, and my submission.
It taught me that my body was the currency I used to buy closeness.
That love meant tolerating what I didn\u2019t want.
That intimacy meant enduring.<\/p>\n

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The Shape My Silence Took<\/h3>\n

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This is the fawn response.
It\u2019s not just a trauma buzzword.
It\u2019s what happens when your nervous system believes that submitting is safer than being seen.
It\u2019s what happens when you choose being liked over expressing your truth.<\/p>\n

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\n
\n

In sex, fawning can look like:
\u2014 Smiling while your body shuts down
\u2014 Saying \u201cmmhmm\u201d when you mean \u201cno\u201d
\u2014 Convincing yourself something feels good when it doesn\u2019t
\u2014 Crying silently while someone touches you, because saying stop feels harder than disappearing<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019ve done all of that.<\/p>\n

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Sometimes it felt like consent \u2014 because I didn\u2019t say no.
But silence is not consent.
Consent is more than the absence of no \u2014 it requires presence and agency of self.<\/p>\n

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Fawning isn\u2019t just about fear.
It\u2019s also about hope.<\/p>\n

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Hope that I\u2019ll stay chosen.
That I\u2019ll feel belonging.
That I will experience safety.<\/p>\n

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But the more I fawn, the more disconnected I feel.
From myself.
From the person I\u2019m with.
From the aliveness that true intimacy offers.<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ admin_label=”Footer” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”#f9f9f4″ custom_padding=”0px||0px||false|false” saved_tabs=”all” collapsed=”on” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” use_background_color_gradient=”on” background_color_gradient_stops=”rgba(0,0,0,0.7) 0%|rgba(255,255,255,0) 100%” background_color_gradient_overlays_image=”on” background_image=”https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/fawning-tribal-1.png” parallax=”on” width=”100%” max_width=”none” custom_padding=”0px||0px||true|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_divider show_divider=”off” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” height=”12vw” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_divider][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” background_enable_color=”off” module_alignment=”center” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”f55b4207-dc97-4ab4-aba2-f361332c6228″ scroll_fade_enable=”on” scroll_fade=”0|50|50|100|0|50%|100″ global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

The Moment I Noticed I Wasn\u2019t There<\/h3>\n

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Awakening didn\u2019t come as a thunderclap.
It came as a slow dawning \u2014
like a light gradually brightening a room I didn\u2019t know was dim.<\/p>\n

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To fawn effectively \u2014 especially during sex \u2014 you have to dissociate.
You have to separate from your body.
Disconnect from the part of you that knows:
I don\u2019t want this.
This doesn\u2019t feel good.
This isn\u2019t safe.<\/p>\n

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That\u2019s the opposite of what good sex is all about.
Sex, when it\u2019s great, is about presence.
Feeling. Connection.
Not performance. Not endurance.<\/p>\n

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It was my journey into Tantra that began to shift things.
Many of the practices I learned there, and in other somatic spaces, brought me back into my body.
But like light casting new shadows,
they also revealed where I still disappeared.<\/p>\n

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In Tantra temples, and later, relating with a man that I trusted, I began to notice how often I drifted.
Overwhelmed by sensation.
Drifting out of connection.
Out of myself.<\/p>\n

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And one day, in the heat of tenderness, he looked at me and said:
\u201cWhere did you go?\u201d<\/p>\n

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And I didn\u2019t know how to answer.
Because I hadn\u2019t even realised I\u2019d left.<\/p>\n

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That moment cracked something open.
The dissociation I\u2019d learned in my formative years had always been tied to pain,
enduring touch I didn\u2019t want, collapsing into stillness to avoid rupture.<\/p>\n

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But this was different.
This was a moment I had chosen.
There was care.
There was pleasure.
And still, I left.<\/p>\n

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It wasn\u2019t fear this time.
It was the imprint of disappearance \u2014
a nervous system reflex triggered not by threat,
but by sensation in my case.<\/p>\n

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My body didn\u2019t yet know how to stay in connection
while also experiencing pleasure.
I didn\u2019t know how to stay with myself
while being with someone else.<\/p>\n

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Disappearing had become my default,
even when there was nothing to run from.<\/p>\n

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That night, I experienced the quiet heartbreak of being seen,
not for how deeply I was feeling pleasure in my body,
but for how completely I\u2019d disconnected from our relational field,
leaving us both separate and alone in the experience.<\/p>\n

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The Practice of Staying<\/h3>\n

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One truth I keep returning to on this path of becoming,
is that healing happens in relational spaces.<\/p>\n

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In being embodied.
In receiving all of our knowing and somatic wisdom.
And in finding the courage to share that \u2014 open-hearted \u2014 with others.<\/p>\n

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Whether in lovemaking, or in speaking the unspoken truths from the soft, vulnerable underbelly of our emotional experiences<\/span><\/strong> \u2014
healing happens when we risk being real\u2026 and discover we are not alone.<\/o:p><\/p>\n

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Staying present in the body after a lifetime spent disappearing is a practice.
A nervous system practice.
A healing practice.<\/p>\n

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It asks us to feel safe enough to be seen.
In our rawness.
In our authenticity.
In our truth.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019m still practicing.
Maybe you are too.<\/p>\n

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If you\u2019ve ever smiled while your body shut down,
if you\u2019ve ever floated away mid-pleasure, or praised a partner while your heart quietly contracted,
this isn\u2019t failure.<\/p>\n

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It\u2019s a signal.
A soft, sacred whisper from your nervous system that says:
\u201cLet’s create safety here\u201d,
\u201cI want to stay.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Start there.
Not by forcing presence,
but by gently noticing when you\u2019ve left,
and choosing to return.<\/p>\n

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Over and over.
With tenderness.
With full self-expression.
With love.
For yourself.<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_divider color=”#4b172e” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_divider][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”gcid-d13dd47d-c04f-4aec-b591-ba88ac7e1568″ width=”100%” max_width=”none” custom_padding=”|10%||10%|false|true” global_colors_info=”{%22gcid-d13dd47d-c04f-4aec-b591-ba88ac7e1568%22:%91%22background_color%22%93}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _dynamic_attributes=”content” _module_preset=”2c38038e-1a38-4f68-83f8-5083f380a382″ text_text_color=”rgba(255,255,255,0.6)” text_orientation=”center” global_colors_info=”{}”]@ET-DC@eyJkeW5hbWljIjp0cnVlLCJjb250ZW50IjoiY3VycmVudF9kYXRlIiwic2V0dGluZ3MiOnsiYmVmb3JlIjoiQ29weXJpZ2h0ICZjb3B5OyAiLCJhZnRlciI6IiBLYWlsYW5pIFBhbG1lci4gQWxsIFJpZ2h0cyBSZXNlcnZlZC4iLCJkYXRlX2Zvcm1hdCI6ImN1c3RvbSIsImN1c3RvbV9kYXRlX2Zvcm1hdCI6IlkifX0=@[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”c7caa418-8129-4fe4-becb-c03799654c00″ global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

Let’s Stay Connected<\/h2>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_signup mailchimp_list=”undefined|elegantthemestest|1ea2bbd026″ first_name_field=”off” last_name_field=”off” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”63075e9e-d5a4-468f-afd1-acbb93193652″ locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_signup][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,1_3,1_3″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” border_color_all=”rgba(0,0,0,0.12)” border_width_top=”1px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”e2880f0b-e645-4889-bc83-1bdc62639ad3″ text_orientation=”center” custom_margin=”||10px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

Address<\/h5>\n

[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”2c38038e-1a38-4f68-83f8-5083f380a382″ link_text_color=”gcid-c6bf7a23-856a-4cb2-9140-f8fe92a7e2b1″ text_orientation=”center” global_colors_info=”{%22gcid-c6bf7a23-856a-4cb2-9140-f8fe92a7e2b1%22:%91%22link_text_color%22%93}”]<\/p>\n

3rd Rainbow from the sun,
Brighton & Hove, UK<\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”e2880f0b-e645-4889-bc83-1bdc62639ad3″ text_orientation=”center” custom_margin=”||10px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

Social<\/h5>\n

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Contact<\/h5>\n

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+44 7396 995180<\/p>\n

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wildkailani@gmail.com<\/a><\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI didn\u2019t say no. But I didn\u2019t say yes either.\u201dI just lay there, silent.Letting him do what he wanted with my body.While I disappeared off to another place, crying, silently, into the pillow…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":484,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-482","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/482","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=482"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/482\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":606,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/482\/revisions\/606"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/484"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=482"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=482"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildkailani.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=482"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}